House of Wachs

WOULD IT HURT TO WRITE ONCE IN A WHILE?

My daughter emailed me this photo. Subject line of the email: a picture of your lover

She takes great pictures that kid, but I could enjoy them just as well without the sass, thanks, young 'un.

Here's Jeff tipping another one of Webb's sneaky off-speed sinkers. Jeff Francoeur was one of the few Braves that Brandon Webb of the D-Bags handled easily today as the Braves win! 7-3. 

The snap was taken with a little Lumix camera because that's all she needed being so close and all. Front row in those new SunTrust Club at Turner Field Seats I got from an immensely supportive manager at work. I believe this birthday was the one in which I lived more like a pasha than any other in Larry Wachs history. It's certainly an upgrade from the dark days of 2006 where I watched a lady drive into a river in upstate NY as we were headed to a funeral on May 26th of that year. At least it was a cool day outside.

And it shattered my streak of bad birthdays in even numbered years as chronicled here. I've even gotten three of the five things I wished for last year.

Readers, make sure you blow out ALLthe candles on YOUR birthday cake. Give a good blow, and don't miss a single one. If all you've got is a cake on your birthday, well, you still have a shot at a better life. This is Larry, of The Regular Guys Show, here to tell you, wishes do come true,  and please help support the fight against birthday candle apathy. Blow them out, not off.

Pateetong!

The SunTrust Club is built in right behind home plate where the camera well used to be. They've replaced it with a restaurant/bar with high quality fresh ingredients and highback cushioned seats. The new section is only 3-4 rows and goes dugout to dugout.  It's as if a big yacht backed into Turner Field somehow. Anything you want, when you want it, brought to your seat, which costs $300 for the evening, so bring a bag next time!

I would seriously consider taking 3 of these seats for my own in lieu of some pay. Think of the savings and perks.

I wouldn't have to pay for a meal at all for 82 days a year.

I'd be sitting with famous and rich people.

The players see you from the on deck circle every at bat for a few weeks and you become like family to them.

Before you know it, Jeff is in the on deck circle, I'm busy making business deals with Turner and Comcast executives, and he shouts, "Hey, Wachs. Let's get some beers after the game."

Well, that impresses the executives so, that the deals are pretty much a matter of signing on the dotted line at that point. Awesomely sweet!

I'm 47, why do you ask?

EARLY 20TH CENTURY NAMING

In today's AJC obituaries:

WACHS' WIG OUT

Own a piece of internet history!

Hi, I'm Larry Wachs, host of one of America's top sub-3 minute broadband comedy news shows, WHAT'S YOUR STORY? on Superdeluxe.com.

Many fans are saddened that the show has not been picked up for a third cycle and they are left with nothing but memories and 20 episodes of old news stories from 2007-08.

But I say to you, fans of broadband comedy news...CHEER UP! Star Trek fans made the most of the handful of episodes left to them after it was cancelled. They only had, like, 8 episodes. Makes your problems seem small, doesn't it?

Unlike the cast of Star Trek, whose stars hoarded their original costumes to be handed to undeserving heirs for untold and unearned wealth, and kept their toups in the closet, the cast of What's Your Story? is making cherished memories available to you immediately.

You are bidding on my wig used in the production of What's Your Story?

Makes a great gift for the broadband comedy news fan on your spring and summer gift list.

The wig comes as is. No returns.

BEST NAME EVER

From Gwinnett County mugshots:

CLICK

WHAT'S YOUR STORY #20

WHAT'S YOUR STORY #19

REJECTED

Damn.

I really liked this bit, but it was rejected by CNN's standards and practices for "What's Your Story?" Ep. #19, taping tomorrow.

That's why there's the internet. When things get censored on the internet, they still can be viewed on the internet.

CBS golf announcer Bobby Clampett called golfer Liang Wen Chong, a "Chinaman."

Clampett later apologized, saying it was bad timing to make such remarks while people were watching a South African beat Tiger Woods in a tournament called the Masters.

That's show biz. And let me just take this moment to point out that, contrary what you've heard, there are plenty of businesses just like it.

BEHIND THE STORY

MORE CHICKENS

I wish Gen. Daniel Petraeus could have been at Hooters with me, last week, before the Senate surge against American interests held their annual hostage taking with him as guest victim. Apparently, the surge is working a little too well, and certain senators with the presidency on their mind wanted some snappy answers as to why American defeat was not imminent.

While the good General did a fine job of helping the anti-war wing of the Senate look foolish and myopic again, I thought he would have been a lot better off eating wings and polishing off a pitcher or two with me before going to face the wolves. He would have found a good argument for war there.

I was recently honored to be asked to judge a Hooters bikini pageant. It gave me that Hasselhoff feeling, and I thank the organizers of the pageant. A striking girl of about 23 took the stage to showcase her swimsuit and plastic surgeries for the adoring crowd of priapitics. She was a Vietnamese/African American mix, and her beauty made me wonder if Vietnam was really that much of a quagmire after all.

Mark my words. A generation from now we will be marveling at the beauty of Iraqi-American strumpets with daddy issues, strutting their Weapons of Male Destruction on a riser under a tent somewhere in America on a Friday night. Anti-Iraq protestors will return to their roots as grumpy, unrequited feminists with misspelled placards and get back to some good old fashioned male bashing, and we will all finally understand why we were in Iraq, winning.

The week of political Tourette’s didn’t stop there. It was the anti-flamers who were running around San Francisco this time, indulging into the left's favorite new diversion of capturing the Olympic Torch.

FREE TIBET! the anarchists other unmedicated bipolars running around Golden Gate Park screamed. Darfur is the new Global Cooling.

Don't be fooled. This is just a dress rehearsal for the Democratic convention in Denver, where the depressed and desperate will attempt to rekindle the race riots not experienced since the days when liberalism and it's destructive winds of hope and change were just a gentle breeze.

After that, it's a short microbus trip up to Vail, just in time for the annual ski lodge burning season.

Why does anyone on the left wish to FREE TIBET!? Objectively speaking, Tibet is a theocracy run by a charismatic and exotic dictator, the Dalai Lama. Tibet is not a republic. Its own people are not diverse. There is censorship from within and few, if any, of the personal freedoms that we take for granted.

They also have boy kings. Well, we did too, but Lou Pearlman is in jail, and Nick Lachey got dumped, so our domestic boy king nightmare of the late 90s has been solved.

It doesn't require much imagination to see the problems a nation could have when it wants to mobilize against a predator and its leader is 11 years old. The best outcome one could hope for would be that China accepts a game of Halo to decide who lives and dies.

So it's puzzling to me that a Richard Gere, for example, who is remarkably consistent when it comes to giving the sour lemon face for every line reading in every movie role he takes on, would be so contradictory when it comes to his pets in Tibet. Why THAT theocracy?

How quick were the Tibet Freedom and Torch Snuffers Union to defend Koresh and the Branch Dividians when they were under siege by our separated-from-church state? I think almost 1 person may have protested.

It's almost reflexive, here in our purple states, that when a politician, usually in the Republican party, mentions that their faith may have, on background, in some Zen-like way, have had an influence on their decision-making process in government, the left breaks the glass on the theocracy alarm and readies the bastille with non-lethal beanbag firing arms to ward off the coming neo-Crusades.

It all reminds me of the scene in the Godfather in which the 5 Families get together to discuss this business of narcotics...which is a dirty business. But despite the grumblings from those not already with a piece of the pie, it is resolved: No drug sales near schools or children. Ideally, which is the way most criminal enterprises start out; it would be sold in the black neighborhoods. It's decided that, since this is indisputably where animals live, they have no souls worth saving.

Similarly, the Clinton Crime Family and the Obama Gang have decided that theocracies are OK... in Iraq, Iran, and now, China. After all, China is slowly turning away from Communism, the beloved religion of statists everywhere. They're animals. Let them lose their souls.

WHAT'S YOUR STORY #18